"We could set you up man; I think you'd really like Leslie."

"Eh, thanks but...you know, I'm just not into the thought of dating right now. I mean I kind of like my free time, ya know?"

"Oh yeah, of course, I forgot about your hours of gaming time, god forbid you actually take a step outside from your room once in a while."

The guys laughed. I laughed too. The total stupidity of it never hit me, not back then. I mean what the fuck better did I have to do...honestly? Why was I so resistant to even the possibility?


"I think you've really started down a road that will be good for you in the long run."

"Maybe but, I wish it felt better."

He scribbled something down on his pad while he spoke, "It's not always going to be easy; in fact, it's probably going to be very hard quite a bit. You're changing a major part of your life; you can't expect that to be easy."

I nodded but, I think he read my apparent disappointment with what he was saying.

"So what about Leslie; I mean your friends could still set you up, right?"

"No, not any more, she decided she likes Eric and now they are kind of an item."

The doctor nodded. He did that a lot and many times it got me thinking about whether he actually cared about me or if he just liked my $20 per session, three times a week, not including what he got from my insurance company.

"There is this one girl actually..."

"Oh? What's her name?"

I hated when he interrupted me, I was obviously getting to it but he always liked to throw in a question in the middle. Maybe he thought I was making it up and he wanted to confirm that this was actually real and not some fable. Then again, maybe I'm just feeling insecure.

"What? Oh...uh, Kelly is her name."

He nodded; I guess to signal that he got it and wanted me to go on.

"Anyways, I have kind of been watching her, not anything creepy or anything like that, just you know...I guess I've noticed her and I think I have a crush on her."

"Have you talked to her?"

"Yeah a bit, not anything that would be a big deal."

"Says the guy who thinks he's worthless."

I smiled a bit.

"I'm impressed, Raj, my first impression...what you showed me in the beginning was a guy who was completely closed off and barely said two words to anyone but you obviously have hidden talents that maybe even you don't know you have."

I looked at him. I didn't feel anything when he said these words. It was nice to hear them but I didn't believe them, that just wasn't how I operated.

"I guess I'm just confused, you know. I've talked to her but I don't know how to let her know I'm interested."

"How about inviting her to get a coffee on campus or something?"

"Maybe, that doesn't seem like me though. I mean, the current social me sucks but, that seems a little too...un-me. I don't even really like coffee."

The doctor chuckled a bit to himself. "Well you do have to do what makes you feel comfortable.

I nodded for god knows why; I understood but I didn't know me, how the fuck would I know what would make me feel comfortable?

"I'm afraid, we've run out of time but...I'll see you Tuesday, right? At eleven?"

"Yeah..."

"Okay."

I slowly got up off the doctor's extremely worn-in couch and shuffled out the door, down the stairs, and to my car. As some generic techno music filled the car, I laid my head down on the steering wheel for just a moment before I finally backed out of the parking space and pulled out into traffic.


"So how'd it go?"

"Alright...I guess."

"What'd you talk about?"

"It doesn't matter; I'm stuck like this forever."

"No, you're not." These were the last words I heard before I ascended the stairs and shut the bedroom door. No reason to argue with her, we'd just go back and forth endlessly.

I took a seat at my computer only to find myself staring blankly at the dark screen for several minutes. Nothing was on my mind and yet, at the same time, everything was on my mind. I hit the button to turn on the monitor. One of my friends messaged me on AIM while I was gone; how wonderful. I replied and continued on a meaningless conversation with him until he went off to hang with his girlfriend at her work. As the door slam alert rang through my speakers, I sighed. He was gone and I was alone again; alone...with my mind.


The weekend wound up sucking majorly. I enjoyed being with my friends but watching Chris get all lovely-dovey with Bridget or Leslie and Eric playfully throw food at each other at Elephant Bar was hard to watch. Why wasn't it me? Why didn't anyone fall for me? The question would become my fucking theme song; I just couldn't get it out of my head. I looked at the couples being totally into each other and then looked at Yani who had also noticed the couples and looked as equally as hopeless as myself.

I smiled, how I don't know, and said, "So...you wanna make out?"

He laughed out loud. I resisted doing the same but I kept smiling.

"What's so funny?" Chris asked, taking a moment away from hugging Bridget in whatever way he could.


Sunday, I was asked by a classmate to help him out on his film shoot. He invited the whole class and almost everyone came, including Kelly. The shoot sucked, I wound up being an extra on a shoot that was made more complicated than it probably should have been but maybe not; maybe I'm just being an ass because I wasn't important enough on the set. There was a lot of down time and I kept looking over, discreetly, at Kelly who seemed extremely bored; she had a slightly more important part but it didn't come in until later in the day.

"How's it going?" I asked. Oh yeah, I'm real smooth.

"I'm alright, just tired."

"Yeah, me too...kinda boring, huh?"

"Yeah."

"So is this what you want to do like...for you're career or something else or..." I trailed off.

"This is alright; I'm more into editing though."

"Yeah? That's cool, I've edited some but I don't know...I've always kind of thought it was a bit of a lonely job."

"It can be; I prefer it though."

"I can understand that."

I paused, briefly, just enough time for me to think of what I wanted to ask next, this was going quite well I thought to myself.

"So do you know any one in the industry?"

"Well, no. My boyfriend has a friend who works at Universal Pictures but he just works in marketing so..."

Oh shit! My mind kicked into hyper overdrive; did she just boyfriend bomb me or did I just ask a question that she answered honestly with the inclusion of her boyfriend because it was the truth? I had to maintain composure though, so I had no chance with this girl, the first crush of my life, no biggie right?

"Well sometimes that's all it takes; just someone, ya know?"

"Yeah..."

Fuck! Did I just insult her work? I mean I've never even seen her work but did that sound bad, did it sound like I was pushing who you know over what you know and in that I inadvertently insulted her prowess as an editor? Goddamn it!

Despite me constantly kicking my own ass the rest of the evening, I continued to chat lightly with Kelly. It was pointless maybe but she was still a nice person.


"So she told you she had a boyfriend?"

"Yeah but, I mean, I think I kind of just asked a question that would include her mentioning that in her response."

The doctor just looked at me, no clear expression on his face.

"So what else is going on?"

"Who knows? I mean, I can't think of anything specifically but I no doubt forgot something."

A deafening silence quickly filled the room. I spent the time slowly scanning the small number of pictures and awards the doctor had on his wall. His license to practice as a marriage and family therapist was tucked in the outside of the frame for one of his diplomas. A painting of a small boy wearing a baseball cap adorned one of the other walls, the wall to my right to be exact. I knew after a few more moments, if I didn't talk he would comment on how silent it was and ask me what I was thinking. Today would be one of the days I would beat him to the punch.

"I don't know, I just can't help but feel a little rejected. I mean Leslie picks Eric over me? I'm the nice one, according to everyone else, so she picks this guy who is known as an arrogant, self-centered, jerk? And I don't even really like Leslie, I don't think we'd get along very well but that doesn't stop me from feeling a little like 'well I must suck.'"

The doctor didn't say anything, he just nodded. I was growing to hate that nod.

"And I mean Kelly's got a boyfriend so I should try to get her off my mind but I can't. I'm a bit infatuated with her still I suppose. God why is this so hard? Why am I going through this now? Puberty was eight fucking years ago, I mean what the fuck!

"Well I think you spent so many years repressing your desires to the point that you even fooled yourself as to whether or not you had them and now, now the can has been opened and all the worms are flying out and it's not pretty. I know it's not a good feeling to feel some of this stuff at this age.

"I guess...I just want to be happy. That's it."

"And I have confidence you'll get there but this isn't something that's going to come overnight, it's going to take some time."

"Yeah fine, I'll be fifty years old, making minimum wage as some director's gopher, that no one is going to want to know or even give a shit about but, hey at least I'll be fucking happy!"

"Only you can control it, Raj."

"Great..."

"We better wrap up for today but I'll see you Thursday at two."

"Fine."

"Bye-bye

I just nodded half-sincerely as I stepped out the door and was met with the hot, dry air. It was May and already ninety-eight degrees; fuck!


"So how are you doing?"

"I'm fine."

"Really? Nothing wrong at all?"

"I know. It's weird. I just kind of felt better Wednesday and it's stuck with me today."

"Anything happen between the last session and this one?"

"Not really, talked to my friends a bit about how I was feeling. They made me feel a bit better. Other than that I just went to class, yesterday but nothing happened there."

"The class with Kelly?"

"No, my other class. I don't really know anyone in this class; it's a lot more individualized."

"I see," the doctor said while he jotted down some notes on his pad.

Silence was something the both of us got to know quite well this session. I was completely out of touch with everything that depressed me which may have been good or bad, I guess it really doesn't matter either way. Before I knew it, the session was over and I don't think I barely said more than a couple of words over the fifty minute session.

The good feelings, surprisingly, did not waver. The weekend was great, me and my friends had a great time and nothing was getting me down. I even wound up sleeping through Tuesday's session with the doctor, much to his chagrin no doubt. He called me but I let the machine get it, his tone seemed concerned but I would go Thursday regardless of how I was feeling. I mean there was no real reason behind me skipping this session, I just slept through it; eleven was a bit too early for me some days.


"So how's it going?"

"Alright, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Yeah, I mean, I don't know, I just keep winding up here."

"Here? Here where? In therapy?"

"No, depressed."

"I see."

"I mean I felt so great but now I'm back in the shitter, emotionally."

"Any reason why?"

"Nothing real, just my mind I guess. Its negative thoughts get to be too much sometimes. I thought I developed a way to negate the thoughts but apparently that only works when I'm actually feeling good."

"Its negative mind? Isn't it your mind?

"It should be but I don't seem to have any control over it."

The doctor jotted some things down, staring out the window occasionally as he, presumably, thought about what he was writing.

"My dad just thinks I need to keep busy but why do I want to be busy every second of the day? And even if I could, that still leaves me thinking time in the car driving home, in the fast food drive-thru, anywhere that I just kind of kick into auto-pilot with what I'm doing. But he's a workaholic and wishes everyone was the same so what else do I expect him to say."

He didn't speak, he just continued to write but he confirmed he heard what I had said by nodding.

"No one is going to love me. No one is going to think I'm cute. No one is going to want to be with me. What's the point of even trying to talk to people? What's the point of going to school? What's the point of living? So far, my 'living' as provided to me by these sessions has sucked and I have no faith it's going to get better. No, I'm pretty sure I'll be right here, talking to you years from now and we'll be going over the same shit until we are blue in the face until the time comes and you'll say..."

"I'm sorry to cut you off but we better wrap for today."

"Exactly, see that's exactly what's going to happen. Gah, it's hard, you know?"

"No, Raj, I mean we really do need to wrap for today."

"Oh..."

For the no doubt hundredth time I stepped out of his office, walked down the stairs, and out to the parking lot where my car waited for me. The generic techno played in the background, my head had a little indentation in it from where it rested on the steering wheel and I drove off, heading for home.

As my life goes on, this story will continue...hopefully with a more bright continuation next time.